Another night with almost no sleep. The sleep I did get was filled with weird dreams. I always dream about people chasing me and trying to hurt me in some way. They never do, but the entire dream is always the breathless terror of being pursued. If my dreams were made into horror movies I would be rich. I often wonder what it means. I used to be interested in dream interpretation, but I could never find anything that pertained to my dreams. Nighttime used to be my favorite time, but now it just makes me worry. I have to use visualization to occupy my mind until I fall asleep. If I don't, I will spend hours lying awake and worrying - about real things and imagined. I find it incredibly difficult to keep a positive outlook at night. There's a line from The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway that sums it up: It is awfully easy to be hard-boiled about everything in the daytime, but at night it is another thing.
I've always liked that line. Nighttime disturbs me. When I was a teenager I had bad bouts of insomnia. I hardly ever slept. When I think back, I am amazed that I was able to function, let alone do as well in school as I did. I wrote a lot then, too. Mostly poetry, dark moody teenager poetry, but it was a good outlet. I always need an outlet of some kind. I wrote my first play in high school, and my theatre teacher let me direct it my senior year. I wish I still had the script. It was pretty terrible, but it would be fun to see it again. I had no sense of how to write dialogue back then. That was a benefit of my theatre education. I learned a lot about dialogue and character development from my classes, and my writing has greatly improved because of it.
I didn't write the whole time I was in college - not creatively anyway. I didn't sleep either. I worked like crazy on every show I could, sometimes as many as 7 at once. I was crazy and angry and addicted to energy drinks. I didn't have an outlet, so I buried myself in work. I believed then that I would spend my life working like that. I'm glad I chose a different path. College seems so important and so difficult while you're there. Afterward, it seems like a picnic, though I would never want to go back.
The reason I didn't write in college was because I didn't have any confidence. I didn't dare to put my ideas down for others to read until after I had my daughter. Being a parent forces you to have some confidence. Little ones need you, and you have to believe that you are capable of helping them survive. I also started working with kids in theatre around the same time, and it opened up my writing ideas. Before I only wanted to write about eating disorders. I've had eating disorders since I was 13. I never got into drugs. I don't drink much, and I've never felt like I needed to. I chose food instead. It's taken me this long to understand that food can be an addiction. I struggle with it every single day, and I think I will for my entire life. It wasn't something I could write about back then. I was too close to the subject and couldn't put it into words. Now, I have a lot of other ideas, and I don't try to write about it anymore. The musical I'm going to be working on with my husband and our friend, Rob, is loosely based on eating disorders, but it is more about the dual messages of being thin and eating fattening processed food that the media shoves in our faces daily. But, it will be funny and not preachy.
These days, though eating is a struggle, I try to stay focused on being healthy and setting a good example for my kids. I think I'm doing pretty well. I lost 40pounds last year and have maintained it through the summer and fall. I've got my husband eating better and exercising, and my kids love being active and their favorite foods are fruits and veggies. I've made a lot of progress from the sleepless, sick girl I used to be, but sometimes, at night, she's still very much a part of me.
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